Of all the dumbass laws out there, Indecent Exposure has got to be one of the dumbest. It’s against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole in the state of Georgia (for real), but was this ever actually an issue? Was there an era, long forgotten to history, where people couldn’t get to work or the market because of that era’s wacky teenagers tying their stupid giraffes to telephone polls? It couldn’t have been too long ago. Telephone polls didn’t predate telephones.
I may have wandered off-topic a little. Fucking giraffes. As far as I can tell, the idea of Indecent Exposure, which if you don’t know is really just situational human nudity, sprang from our formerly Puritanical past. So, what’s Indecent? Basically, it’s boobs, vaginas and penises…even in an era where half the internet is made up of pictures of boobs, vaginas and penises of all shapes, sizes, nationalities, states of animation, fetishes, colors, all performing a wide variety of tasks, mainly sexual but not entirely. In other words, there’s a lot of Indecency floating around, if that’s what you consider Indecent.
May I humbly suggest that we’ve got it all totally fucking backwards. Body parts aren’t Indecent. They’re just body parts. Ask a baby if he thinks boobs are Indecent. He’ll tell you he thinks they’re food hoses. Truthfully he’s just going to cry at you, but you can stop his wails if you find a fully-functioning boob for him to suck on.
Indecent Exposure is news footage of half dead Ukrainian corpses. Indecent Exposure is any island owned by a single person. Indecent Exposure is vaccine mandates, people setting fire to homeless people and half of the country forgetting that stand-up comedy shows aren’t the best place to shout your “This is the full list of shit I consider taboo” at the performer. The first step in the creation of any totalitarian society is killing humor, knee-capping parody and euthanizing our ingrained ability to laugh at our own stupidity. If you get rid of that, what’s left to laugh at other than skateboarders running into walls?
Perhaps it’s time to rethink what Exposure we collectively consider Indecent. Free the tatas. Release the trouser snakes. Air those vaginas out a little. Stop selling weapons packages to countries who will, inevitably, use them against our own soldiers in twenty years. That’s Indecent as hell. Stop exposing us all to the death of personal privacy. I can’t think of anything more Indecent than Exposure to the end of freedom.
The boobs, penises and vaginas are there anyway. They’re things people strive to see, in real life, things that have motivated the best works of art in history. They’re muses. Missiles, phallic though they are, are far more Indecent, so let’s stop Exposing everyone to so damn many of them.