I was a Boy Scout. I even stuck with it long enough to become an Eagle Scout, and despite the severe lack of girls around at the time, I’m glad I did. Don’t get me wrong, back when I was a Boy Scout I often wished that there had been a tent of high school girls ten feet away, but this was not to be for my generation. In retrospect, that’s probably a good thing.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of this accomplishment. I can still remember how to tie a few useful knots (which are good for tying up boats and may come in handy if they ever bring back public hangings), I can recognize Georgia’s poisonous snakes (copperhead, rattler, water moccasin, and, well okay I can recognize some of them), and I know the basics of pitching a tent (literally, not a sexual euphemism—You have a dirty, dirty mind, you sick bastard), how to start a fire without the use of a lighter (according to Hollywood the Zombie Apocalypse is right around the corner, so this one could prove useful), and a few scattered survival techniques. Compared to what I’ve retained from Calculus or youth soccer, the Boy Scout lessons have somewhat stuck with me. I’ve talked to a few former Girl Scouts who enjoyed their time in the sash, as well.
At a certain age, boys gather with other boys and girls gather with other girls. It may not be politically correct, but it IS natural. It’s just what kids do. At first, kids don’t care about gender at all, then they turn five and want to hang out with other kids who like doing what they like doing. Again, it’s not a patriarchal plot, just kids being kids…and it started long before Lord Baden Powell and Juliette Low started their respective, gender-based, Scouting organizations. Try play-dating a six-year-old boy and a six-year-old girl sometime. Unless she’s a raging tomboy, it’s all going to fall apart in fifteen minutes, and you’ll barely have had time to pour a second glass of Chablis and complain about that bitch Tonya at work.
We’ve sacrificed a successful methodology for teaching young British and American boys how to become men on the altar of Wokeness. The Non-Gender-Specific Neuter Scouts seem destined for an avalanche of lawsuits. Putting teenage boys and girls in tents together in the woods for overnight camping feels, oh I don’t know, what’s the proper phrase, mind-blowingly stupid? Does anyone really think they won’t have sex? Has anything in human history (other than, I suppose, castration) ever stopped teenagers from fucking?
Since we’re short-sighted morons and will probably not abandon this moronic quest, may I at least make a few suggestions for future Mixed-Gender Merit Badges:
—The Teen Pregnancy Merit Badge — Should come in the form of decent health insurance and preferably in the shape of shame (if that idea, indeed, still exists).
If the boy can impregnate the girl on the first try, within five minutes (and since he’s fifteen, it’s entirely doable), they both win…merit badges. They both lose…what little remains of their childhood innocence. The Scout Troop wins…a cautionary tale that will inevitably be ignored, and the Scout Troop loses…its accreditation. Do you really think the lawyers are going to let this one pass?
—The My First Orgy Merit Badge — Should come in the form of a sewn patch of four-to-seven naked people in pretzel formation, maybe accompanied by an R&B song.
Scouts are encouraged to explore their area, to check the ground for holes, snakes, bears, or anything out of the ordinary before unfurling their tents…and yes, those are all sexual euphemisms. One of the unspoken tenets of Scouting is to explore, to discover, to learn from experience. And nothing says experience more than a good teen orgy. If the grown-ups are dumb enough to put a bunch of horny teenagers in the woods at night, they’re practically asking for it. Plus, if these kids don’t learn how to throw together a proper orgy from the Scouts, they might be forced to wait until college to learn this valuable lifelong lesson.
–The Rhythm Method Sash — Should come in the form of having a street named after these heroic teens, since this merit badge, while theoretically laudable, is also nearly impossible for anyone, especially teenagers.
Again, there’s a useful lesson here. Shit, if these kids can actually learn this one, it really will help them in life. Unfortunately, pulling out when you’re on the verge of achieving the very thing you’ve been thinking about every seven seconds for the last four years is not an easy task. All jokes aside, if the kids do learn this one, they should teach a freaking YouTube seminar to everyfuckingone else on the planet.
—The Order of the Blow Job — Acceptance into this sacred brotherhood (sisterhood? personhood?) should come in the form of a patch, maybe a line on future college applications, since college Admissions Officers need blow jobs, too.
This coveted sect is reserved for truly exceptional givers of oral sex. Another handy life lesson that will be remembered well past the time that they’ve stopped wearing short-sleeve brown shirts and green shorts. Blow jobs are always appreciated, much more so than, say, knowing how to tie a proper half-hitch.
My questions to the parents of America are, “You DO have children. Don’t you want to let them keep their innocence for at least a few more years? Isn’t that more important than meaningless gestures of pretend-genderlessness? Or, based on the evidence, are you actually trying to get your kids laid?” It sure as hell looks that way to me.